| What do ministers...bartenders...hairdressers...and | | | | If you want to develop a ministry to include |
| therapists have in common? | | | | professional activity...such as marriage |
| Tip 1 -- All of you are magnets for the lonely... the | | | | counseling...get trained. When you actively |
| troubled and the misunderstood because, | | | | intervene in someone's life...you must know how |
| ministers, bartenders, therapists and hairdressers | | | | to join them and their situation...and...this part is |
| are all good listeners. If you want to check | | | | very important...you must know when and how to |
| that...just type "bartenders as therapists" into a | | | | get yourself out of their business...so they can get |
| search engine. In an age when we are bombarded | | | | on with their life. You are a means...not an end. |
| with factoids and information... someone who will | | | | A person who comes to you for assistance |
| listen to you... without judging you... is a real find. | | | | doesn't necessarily want to adopt you. And if |
| Tip 2 -- Understand that the regard people have | | | | they do...you get out by putting professional |
| for you is mostly a 'transference'...a fantasized | | | | boundaries into place. A relationship with a |
| you. | | | | minister...bartender |
| They are endowing you with qualities that you | | | | ...therapist...or hairdresser is not full time. |
| might not have...but which they are convinced you | | | | Tip 6 -- Do not look to your parishioners or |
| do have. | | | | congregation to make you personally happy. |
| So...here's the bad news. When someone falls in | | | | Doing the work well...with knowledge...skill...and |
| love with you...or any other public figure...it is not | | | | integrity should be the major source of your |
| you...the living breathing snoring human being who | | | | happiness in your ministry role. If you are a fine |
| chews with his mouth open...and leaves the toilet | | | | preacher...take great pleasure in that. The people's |
| seat up. It is their private fantasy of you that | | | | regard for you is secondary because... you preach |
| they love. | | | | the Word to bring God to the people...not to you |
| Because they know so little about you | | | | personally. |
| personally...there is little to interfere with the you | | | | There's no harm in taking a curtain call...or |
| that leads a separate life in their imaginations. | | | | two...when your talents are recognized. But the |
| They only know your public persona...they invent | | | | exercise of the talent...being a good instrument of |
| the rest. | | | | God...is your main prize. Any Oscars you receive |
| People do this all the time with public figures like | | | | are merely a pleasant by product of your talent. |
| movie stars and politicians. As a minister you are | | | | You know when you do fine work...even when |
| no exception. Don't fall for it. | | | | you don't get a standing ovation. |
| Ministers...unlike bartenders...therapists...and | | | | Tip 7 -- Pursue excellence and avoid perfection at |
| hairdressers...often don't understand the 'love' | | | | all costs. |
| transference that occurs when you treat | | | | Perfection is a sterile state. Nothing can be added. |
| someone well. And that's why professional | | | | It's done. When you are perfect... move into a |
| boundaries in ministry are crucial. | | | | museum...you have no further purpose in life |
| You probably never heard of a bartender losing | | | | except to be admired and wondered at. |
| his position...because he exploited the affection of | | | | Whenever you excel you go beyond your last |
| a customer. But ministers often suffer such | | | | level. You continue to develop and grow. You can't |
| losses because...they misinterpret the affection | | | | finally become excellent...you can only pursue |
| members of the parish or congregation have for | | | | excellence because...you can always go further. |
| them...and often attempt to return it in kind. | | | | People who have the attitude "there's always |
| Tip 3 -- Have someone in your life who listens to | | | | more to learn" are the ones I have in mind here. |
| you...and understands you without judging you. But | | | | When you pursue excellence you must take into |
| that person should not be a parishioner. | | | | account professional boundaries in ministry. |
| Professional boundaries are there to guide you | | | | For example...if you want to do spiritual direction in |
| away from such enmeshed relationships. | | | | a major way...you need to get trained so that you |
| Therapists don't lie down on their clients' couches | | | | expand your boundaries...and don't violate the |
| and tell their problems. They have friends or | | | | more limited existing ones. The extent of a |
| therapists of their own. | | | | personal skill is a boundary...or limit...on our ability to |
| Ministers have the same needs to be understood | | | | function. |
| as anyone else. You need to have a life outside of | | | | If you operate outside the limits of your |
| ministry...with peers...who are not related to you | | | | abilities...thinking that just being a minister confers |
| through your public role. Your peers know more | | | | those abilities...you violate boundaries. |
| about you personally...and like you for your real | | | | So...IF you don't fall for the imagined you...IF you |
| qualities...including your faults. They may even think | | | | distinguish ministry from specific professional |
| your faults are part of your charm! | | | | skills...IF you seek your happiness in the exercise |
| Tip 4 -- Understand that not everything affecting | | | | of your own skills...and not in your 'fan club'...IF you |
| human beings is ministry. | | | | have a life among peers outside of ministry...IF |
| The idea that a minister may involve himself in | | | | you refuse to violate your present boundaries (or |
| anything a person brings to them...puts the | | | | limitations) by decreasing your limitations and |
| minister at high risk for going where angels and | | | | expanding your boundaries through proper |
| trained professionals may fear to tread. | | | | education and training... |
| Tip 5 -- Don't confuse ministry with professional | | | | Then you should have a full and rewarding life as |
| skill when such skill is needed. | | | | a minister. |